Cows Win! Cows Win!

It is true that cows are prohibited inside the city limits of Ramotswa. This did not seem to bother the herd that showed up outside our door on Saturday. They were busy moseying down the street, when I took this picture of Kopo on our back patio. I think she is saying, with deference to Harry Carey. Cows win! Cows Win!




The cows did not drive us into another house. We had been looking forward to this possibility for the past 5 months, and it has finally come to pass. Our "new" house has finally been vacated, and we are in the process of moving. As with everything else in Botswana, there is a complicated process that no matter how hard you try, you cannot circumvent.

We wanted to have the house painted on the inside and decided that the quickest way was to do it ourselves. Nnooooo. First off, we forgot how hard it was to get the materials cross town without a car. Within an hour and with the assistance of two taxis, we were able to return to the house to begin clean up, spackling and wall prep. Five hours later, we had prepped all the walls but only got three walls of one room completed before we needed to leave for language training and decided to pay a painter to come in and do the work.

What we didn't count on is that our partial painting job kept the inspector from inspecting the house and passing it for occupancy. Therefore we have to wait until the painting is completed to get the inspection done, in order that we can then get some "casual labor" to move our furniture and eventually move in.

We got the name of a reliable Zimbabwean painter from our friend Susan, and he started Wednesday. Within 48 hours, the weather made a marked shift from 95° to a high of 62 with drenching rain. This delayed the painter from finishing the job, which prevented the cascade of necessary maneuvers from happening this week.

Nonetheless, we are delighted that soon will we will be able to move into our new place, shown below. It has two bedrooms, a larger living room, a slightly larger kitchen, a separate bathtub room and toilet as well as a front porch, a roof top solar powered hot water heater and a private yard, which is mostly surrounded by hedges. It is just four houses down the row from our current house, but all of the traffic goes in the other direction, so it is a much quieter location. We are thrilled.

The New House




On to the Orient

My boss, the District AIDS Coordinator received a wonderful invitation to travel for two weeks to China and give a presentation at an HIV conference in Sichuan province. I was delighted for her since she has only once before been out of Botswana to South Africa. In typical African fashion, they invited her less than two and as half weeks before she was to depart. She ran around frenetically trying to obtain the various medical checkups, paperwork, visas, and other necessary items, while simultaneously reveling in her good fortune. Also in African tradition, three days before she was supposed to leave, she got a phone call saying she was not going, because the Chinese sponsoring agency had lowered the age of conference participants from 55 to 50. Since she is 52, she was now not going and was crestfallen (Don't try to read any logic into this decision, I don't think there was any).

After several hours of frustrating negotiations with the Ministry of Local Government and the Chinese Embassy, she finally did get the go-ahead to depart today. We are so excited for her and pleased that the bureaucracy did not get in the way. She asked me to create a presentation for her in PowerPoint that she could give it at the conference, which I finished off yesterday. In addition to a description of our HIV treatment and prevention program here, I included multiple pictures of Botswana, its scenery and animal life.

Language Lessons.

Kopo and I traveled up Mochudi, two hours from here over last weekend to meet with six other Peace Corps volunteers for an intensive language week in Setswana. Since both of us had important meetings back here in Ramotswa, we could only stay for several days, not the whole week. It was nice to get a brush up on the language and spend some time with our fellow volunteers. I continue to be impressed with what a great group of people they are.

The down side, as far as I'm concerned, is that this confirmed that neither Kopo nor I are going to be fluent in Setswana. It could be done, but it takes continual practice and usage. We are both just too tired at the end of the day to spend time with a tutor or studying language books. In both Kopo’s school and my office, our colleagues are so competent in English, that there is no incentive to speak Setswana and with all the important things going on at both sites, it would actually slow down the whole work day to try to use it. I have to say that I am somewhat disappointed in myself for not reaching one of the goals I had set before arriving, but you can't do everything.

Death by Electricity

If I end up deceased in Africa (which I don't think is too likely), it will not be from something exotic like snakebite or a rhino-ramming. It is going to be death by electricity, and not in the usual way. I think the likelihood of dropping a radio into the bathtub is fairly remote and the electricity is inconsistent enough to make electrocution almost impossible. Since I have sworn of buggery with any African critters, getting “the chair” is also unlikely. What it will say on my death certificate is that I am the first person in Botswana to die of “acute and chronic electrical frustration.”

Electricity in Botswana is a frail, paradoxical, intricately complicated version of electricity in the United States. Don't think that we are not happy to have it, because we have talked with volunteers who don't have it and their lives are much different. Reading by candlelight is just not my cup of tea.

There are three different plugs in common usage here in Botswana -- the big fat round three pronged ones, the flat triangular three pronged ones, and a small two-pronged type. I have had the audacity to introduce a fourth type -- the old flat United States two-pronged type (Don't even get me started on the further complexity brought on by trying to use the United States three prong grounded version).



There is no rhyme or reason as to why any given appliance will have a particular plug. Needless to say none of these four types fit into one another without a big bulky adapter. Since each plug type has a male end (for plugging in) and a female end (to be plugged into), the number of needed adapters is almost infinite. The useful life of an adapter before it dies is approximately 5.2 days.

Rooms in a house have at most one outlet, which is positioned as far as possible from the place where you are likely to use an electrical appliance. Therefore, extension cords are a hot commodity, but they only come in two sizes -- 18 inches and the length of the Nile.

Buying and using an electrical appliance like a fan or a coffee pot, and actually getting it to work is somewhat complicated.

1. You buy the appliance, take it home and unpack the parts from the box—appliances never seem to come assembled.
2. You try to read the directions printed on a piece of paper the size of a cigarette pack, written in Chinese with a diagram requiring a magnifying glass.
3. You rapidly discover that not all the parts/screws/nuts/clips are appropriately included.
4. You go back to the store to get another replacement appliance and find that they no longer stock this appliance and that you bought the only one in the entire store.
5. You go to the hardware store to buy said screws/nuts/clips and find they do not have any of the correct sizes.
6. You go home and resign yourself to only partially assembling the appliance using a large dose of creativity and lots of duct tape
7. After applying the plug-in process described below, you use the item 1 to 8 times until it breaks
8. You hunt for a place to discard the now-useless appliance carcass. If the item is large (a refrigerator or a stove), you leave the useless carcass exactly where it is in the room, buy another similar appliance and place it next to the old one.
9. If the broken item is portable, you remove the carcass to the yard and deposit it in a semi-inconspicuous spot alongside your neighbor’s non-running vehicle, which now has no tires and is propped up on cement blocks
10. If you do buy a new appliance, you repeat steps 1 to 6 with new, but similarly unintelligible directions, and/or consider the possibility of doing without this particular appliance altogether.

The plug-in procedure:

Just "plugging in" and turning on an appliance is in itself a multistage operation requiring skill and patience:
First, you find out if the plug type matches the wall outlet (Odds are 3 to 1 that it will not).
When it doesn’t, you search for the appropriate adapter. If you are fortunate enough to have the appropriate adapter in the house, it will mean disconnecting the electrical set up that you carefully made yesterday for a second appliance, thereby rendering the second appliance temporarily nonfunctional.
If you do not have an adapter, you walk to the store and try to buy one. You are told that they ran out of that adapter, but they might be getting more "next week"-- which means that you might obtain said adapter in February (see a previous blog post on "Botswana time.").



Once an adapter is obtained and an extension cord is connected, you turn on the appliance to discover that the weight of the adapter plus the cord causes the cord/adapter assembly to fall out of the socket. Therefore as shown below, you prop up the adapter with bricks, rocks, books, or previously broken, appliances that you mistakenly thought were totally useless.




You discover that even when pushed in, plugs rarely make continuous electrical contact. Jiggling, jockeying, pushing, and pulling is necessary to get a connection, which immediately stops the instant you take your hand away. Despite your best efforts and Herculean patience to get electricity flowing, you find that walking, talking, sneezing or breathing within 8 feet of the outlet causes the plug to move slightly and the electricity to stop.

American appliances run on 110 V. African electricity is 220 V. The two do not mix without a voltage converter. I discovered this when I plugged an American clock into an African outlet, instantly saw a plume of smoke, and now use the clock as a paperweight which permanently says that it is 6:13 PM. The need for a converter requires that if you want to use an American appliance, you need an American plug adapter plugged into a voltage converter, which is plugged into the appropriate African plug adapter, which is plugged into the wall socket.

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Wires from these various jerry-rigged connections create a new menace. The odds are very high that you will trip over the wires, causing one of three things to happen:
-- You pull the appliance off the table, causing it to fall and break.
-- You break the cord, the adapter, and/or the plug
-- You fall flat on your face.

Trying to have more than one appliance plugged into one wall socket (an absolute necessity in an African house) results in a rat’s nest of cords (see below).



No matter how carefully you try to separate the cords, overnight they become tied in knots. I think they are breeding.



Just when you have solved all of these problems, actually have the appliances working, have avoided tripping over the wires and sit down to admire your handiwork, the electricity goes out in your entire block and you try to remember where you left the candles.

The Land Line Telephone

Telephones are a special brand of electrical agony. Voice quality is good and the ability to phone anywhere in the country is a bonus, as long as you don't have to call a cell phone. I learned rapidly that there are certain land lines that can only call other land lines. Despite the fact that virtually everybody in Botswana has a cell phone, it takes a special land line to call a cell phone. In our office this then creates a series of little signs attached to the various phones --"will call a cell phone," will call a land line only", “will call extension phones in the Ramotswa government offices only, but will not make outside calls."

This is only a minor inconvenience, however, and the real problem is what happens between the wall phone jack and the phone itself. In a small office, the phone lines invariably cross where you walk. At least twice a day you trip over the phone line pulling the phone off the desk or more likely snapping the little plastic spring connector that keeps the phone line attached to the back of the phone. Thus we have multiple phones where the plastic connector only works if you use one hand to keep the connector pushed into the back of the phone. Simultaneously holding the handset, dialing and pushing the little plastic Doohickey into the back of the phone works well if you have three arms. Otherwise, it results in the plastic doohickey pulling out of the back of the phone at a crucial time in the call. The ensuing disconnection necessitates either you or the other person to call back. Taking a phone message for someone is interesting, although I have solved the problem by learning to grasp a pencil between my toes and writing with my feet.

I have speculated that the connection wires from the wall phone jack to the phone itself are actually alive, since they seem to have the ability to wind themselves around furniture legs and chair pedestals during the night. This process occurs every night without your knowledge or consent. Most Africans do not go to the trouble of trying to unwind the cords since they will only creep, crawl and twist again by morning. Rather than unwinding the cord, some natives have decided to leave their phone on the floor. This would not be a half bad solution, were it not that the African style curled cord from the phone base to the handset appears to have been made from an industrial strength steel spring, which convolutedly coils into a small ball. This occurs to a point that you cannot pick up the handset without leaning your head down to within 6 inches of the phone base. Combined, these two factors require that when the phone in this picture rings, you have to get down on your hands and knees and put your head under the chair to speak into the handset.



It makes no difference though, because I usually can't understand the Setswana over the phone anyway.

I didn't intend to get so detailed about this, but I did want to cover the eventuality that if I am ever found unconscious on the floor having tripped over an electrical cord and having died from asphyxia caused by the curly phone cord, I wanted to make sure that Kopo was not a suspect.

R.I.P.

Kgosi

My proposed project

For this week's post, I thought I would describe the secondary project that I am trying to start here. Not sure if it will be funded or not, but so far the feedback is positive from the local and National Library groups as well as the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which is providing funding for the library construction.

Kgosi



My Life Is in the Library



Project:

This project will be composed of two parts:

1--To Establish an Educational Series , entitled ”My Life Is in the Library," targeted specifically at youth aged 14 to 30, which will be based in the new Ramotswa Library. In addition to presentations to a live audience, the series will be audio/video recorded for ongoing use and distribution to other libraries and reading rooms in the country.

2-- To organize and maintain a group of 20-25 in-school and out-of-school youth called "Lifeline" who will be involved in small group discussion of the educational topics. In addition they will function in planning and implementing HIV/AIDS, life skills and health related activities for the community

Supporting Evidence and Southeast District Facts:


BAIS 3 reveals a 12.6% HIV/AIDS prevalence within the South East District. Current population estimates show that 16,670 people are currently HIV infected. There is a 29.9 % prevalence in the 20 to 30-year-old age range which the highest rate of any age group measured. Considering this statistic, it can be assumed that virtually everyone in this district has a friend, co-worker or relative who is infected or affected by the illness.
A teen pregnancy rate of 9.9% indicating a large number of females engaging in unprotected sex.
A national Multiple Concurrent Partnership rate estimated at 10% (19% for males and 6%).
A high and continually rising incidence of sexually transmitted diseases in the 15 to 30 year age range indicating a high incidence of unprotected sexual intercourse.
At 23.3%, a particularly high incidence of HIV/AIDS in the female population between 20 and 24.
A rate of male circumcision of 16.2%, far below the nationally established target of 80%
Life skills programming which includes mental health and interpersonal issues, has recently been introduced into the schools but has been as yet, minimally implemented. For those not in school there is no organized education or teaching program on HIV AIDS, interpersonal skills, mental health or disease.
Other issues of concern that fuel the AIDS epidemic include:
Alcohol and drug use and abuse
Rapid societal change, including an economic downturn leading to high unemployment
Frequent change of geographical location fostered by job change,
Disrupted family connections leading to isolation, loneliness and an increase in Multiple Concurrent Partnerships.

While basic knowledge of HIV is one important weapon in prevention, there are many other issues including interpersonal and mental health issues that contribute to its spread. Preventing HIV is not only teaching about what not to do, but fostering positive traits, personal growth, a positive work ethic and increased self-confidence. Knowledge of psychological and relationship issues is hampered however, by a lack of mental health professionals in the district. There are no psychiatrists in the district. There is only one psychologist and three mental health nurses who are stationed at Bamalete Lutheran Hospital. These practitioners primarily treat patients with major mental illnesses. Professional time is limited to provide education on interpersonal relationships, less severe mental health conditions and the relationship of both of these to HIV/AIDS.


Resources

To potentially counter these challenges, there is a major new resource in the district. There is a centrally located and well-planned new library that will open in Ramotswa in January 2010. The library will have an amphitheater, multiple computers with Internet access and state-of-the-art technical capabilities.
Efficient, thorough, and convenient library services will offer new opportunities for the Southeast district community. In addition to librarian assisted instruction on basic computer skills, intelligent and competent use of the Internet will allow citizens to harness information never before available. Spacious accommodations for large and small group meetings will attract all ages, curious about offerings designed to enhance health and wellness.

While we understand that a venue like the Ramotswa Library will attract all citizens, children, youth and young adults are the most likely to utilize the opportunities available on the Internet and in the world of cyberspace. As documented in the World Bank report “Development and the Next Generation”, children and young adults under the age of 25 are significant users of new information technologies. When given computer access by the age of 10, young people are more likely to have used the Internet than adults at any age beyond 25.

Principle organizer

Christopher M. Doran M.D., Botswana Peace Corps volunteer, will serve as principle organizer and co-presenter. As a Psychiatrist and an academic Professor of Mental Health for the past 35 years, Dr. Doran is uniquely qualified to teach mental health and interpersonal subjects. As a physician, he is also in a desirable position to recruit others from Hospitals, the University, and the Community to share their expertise with the population in the South East district.
The project will be co-facilitated by Ramotswa library staff. Since there is local staff involved, the project will be sustainable and extendable.

Objectives:

To use library opportunities to strengthen HIV/AIDS and Life Skills education to in-school youth and out-of-school young adults in the South East District
To offer programming which provides needed information on HIV prevention and/or treatment, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, personal development, increasing self esteem, and managing interpersonal relationships.
To firmly establish the Library as a valuable resource and gathering place in the community for knowledge, and interpersonal connection.
To provide and develop computer and internet skills as the most efficient and potent methodology to meet Vision 2016, and for advancing access to 21st-century information.

Format and Method for Educational Series:

Large educational sessions will be given once a month for 90 minutes. The sessions will be assessed for audience attendance and interest, and if deemed successful, twice monthly sessions will be considered. In addition to the presentation content, each speaker will be required to give at least three computer websites to guide listeners in obtaining additional subject information on the Internet. Written Internet addresses will be provided to each participant.
Dr. Doran will present a number of the presentations as appropriate and other speakers will be recruited as well. Strong emphasis will be placed on ensuring a Motswana co facilitator. The presentations will be presented on Saturday morning from 10:30 to 12:00 AM followed by tea and snacks.
The program presentations for the first six months will be taken from the following list (see below) and will be determined by the town Library Committee with participation from the Lifeline Group as noted below.


Possible presentation topics:

HIV Basics,
Multiple Concurrent Partnerships,
Behavioral Change,
Safe Male Circumcision,
For Girls Only -- Understanding Guys,
For Boys Only--Understanding Girls,
Love and Dating,
Surviving the Teenage Years,
Problem Solving and Decision-Making,
Making Relationships Work, When Partners Don't Agree
Getting Better Grades by Studying Smarter,
Getting the Job You Want,
Budgeting and Finances,
Dealing with Death,
How to Survive Trauma,
Managing Grief and Grieving
Increasing Self-Confidence and Boosting Self-Esteem,
Stress Reduction and Management,
When Good People Do Bad Things,
Becoming a Better Athlete,
Making and Keeping Friends,
Healthy Lifestyle Maintenance: Good Nutrition, Exercise and Sleep,
The Power of Spiritual Strength,
Parenting Skills for Raising Young Children,
Parenting Skills for Raising Teenage Children,
Parenting Skills for Teenagers, and Young Adult Parents
Coping with Loneliness,
When to Visit the Medical Clinic--10 Health Signals You Should Not Ignore,
Anxiety and Depression and How to Deal with Them,
The History of Botswana,
Using Your Imagination to Think Creatively
Advanced Computer Skills including Word Processing, PowerPoint and Spreadsheets

The Lifeline Group

2--The "Lifeline" small group portion of the project would involve a selection of 20 to 25 motivated in-school and out-of- school youth comprising an ongoing group. They would meet monthly immediately after the Educational Presentations and tea. After initial formation and organization, the overall functions of the group would include:

Small Group Discussion of the Educational topic of the Presentation
Organizing and implementing activities to foster knowledge relating to HIV/AIDS, health, life skills and library activities.

Developing educational materials with youth-oriented messages for distribution to the community and schools.

Interfacing with the Information and Education Committee (IEC) to provide youth oriented input. One member of Lifeline will sit on that committee as a community at-large representative.

Creating leaflets, posters, art work and other suitable materials for conveying HIV/AIDS education, health and life skills messages to the community.

Providing the work force to implement tasks related to the "My Life Is in the Library" portion of the project.

In recognition of their service, this group would be reimbursed a small amount of money for travel expenses. In addition, they would be given some small badge of recognition as a member of the Lifeline group such as a shirt, hat, kerchief, or necktie. For active participation, individuals would be offered access to educational sessions provided by the project organizer, such as advanced computer training, advanced English skills, or a book club.

Start Date
April 1, 2010 running for a twelve month period to March 30, 2011

Evidence Based Planning--Khutse

Mostly a photo post this week---

We spent Monday to Thursday this week in Khutse, an outpost on the edge of the CKGR, (the Central Kalahari Game Reserve). At the suggestion of one of the nurses, we went there for our annual District planning session on Evidence Based Planning. This is a concept that was introduced by the BW government last year to more effectively target the funds and activities in the fight against HIV/AIDS. Simply put, the government has mandated that any funding must be for activities that are specifically supported by evidence, statistics and data from our particular district. In my opinion, it is a wise move in order to keep from just “throwing money at the problem.” Local government funds are relatively plentiful (thanks to money from the diamond mines), but rightfully it needs to be spent well and in targeted fashion.

We gathered 22 of the major stakeholders in the District--NGO’s, Youth organizations, support groups, a school representative (Kopo), community representatives, the AIDS Coordinator’s Office Staff and several representatives of Central Ministry-- to plan out our activities for the year April 2010-March 2011. Our office insisted on a quiet place where the group could work without distraction. After a lot of arm twisting, we obtained the money to go to Khutse, about 250 KM from Ramotswa. You travel to the end of the paved road then another 50 miles on a rutted, wash-boarded gravel road to the Khutse Kalahari Lodge. It was nicely appointed with individual thatched roof chalets, a swimming pool and a surprisingly modern conference center. I say we had to twist a few arms because the Lodge charges Western-style prices—about $100 a night per person for room and breakfast—a king’s ransom by BW standards. This was a major working vacation for many of the participants since they seldom get to travel much and it is especially rare to be able to stay at such a nice place.

We used the conference well though. I had a major role in collecting all the District data and presenting it. South East district, in which lies Ramotswa, is the smallest district in the country, and one that has done reasonably well in controlling the spread of HIV. Nonetheless, we have an overall prevalence rate in the population of 12.6% and rates as high as 28-34% in the age groups from late 20’s to early 30’s.

As someone who was familiar with data, research, objectives etc, I also led the group for much of the time. We first identified our district-specific “problem areas” then had a democratic-style vote to narrow the list to the 5 areas which we would concentrate on for the upcoming year. They ended up being:

A High Teenage Pregnancy rate with few support services for teen mothers

A low rate of HIV testing in general

A low rate of Couples testing

A high rate of HIV in the 30-35 year old age group, likely due to the prevalence of MCP, Multiple Concurrent Sexual Partnerships

A high rate of HIV in females age 20-25

We then created S.M.A.R.T. objectives for each problem (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time Bound). During Day 2 we broke into groups of four to come up with strategies and activities to meet these objectives. I challenged the groups to be creative, to “think outside the box” and to come up with new and innovative strategies that had not been utilized before. I specially advocated for utilizing positive role-models and positive behaviors not just “Don’t do this” messages.

The group exceeded expectations and were exceptionally thoughtful. We came up with over 35 strategies and activities that were excellent There were so many good ideas that we need to schedule a follow up working group to select only best of the best ideas that we would implement.

Just a few of the ideas included:

Highlighting the “Committed Couple of the Week” with a picture and short write-up in the newspaper then inviting all the weekly winners to a “Faithfulness is a Blessing” dinner on Valentine’s Day to select the Couple of the Year with full media coverage.

A monthly group for young parents on parenting issues and techniques. We will use many of the “Committed Couples” as role models and resources for young parents and single parent households

Forming support groups for Teen Mom’s in 2 of the villages which would be led by a Social worker and Psychologist from the Hospital.

Setting quarterly meetings with the “Shabeen Queens”—the mostly female owners of the many local bars to educate them about HIV and enlist their support against the illness. This may sound a bit strange, but has worked well in at least one other district.

A soccer tournament in which teams would be selected for participation based on the number of HIV tests that they could obtain from their team members, coaches and supporters

“My Life is in the Library.” which is my special project. I will make a separate Blog post about the details of this plan in a few days.

All in all, the food was great, the accommodations comfortable and a good time was had by everyone. It was an opportunity for all of us to get to know one another better and share in good spirits. We ended the retreat with a game drive out into the CKGR to see the wild game. The lions and giraffes made themselves scarce, but it was memorable.

Maureen's group from Kagiso School at the Leadership Training Conference



Peace Corps Halloween Party




Kgosi doing his thing




On the Game Drive



One of the interesting things about being a PCV is a certain rock star status in your village. Everyone wants their picture with you. Here our supplies officer, wanted this one for his office wall of Kgosi, Kopo and Thabo (Colin Pappajohn from Spokane WA)

T.P.

Research

I spent all of this week at a conference in Gaborone at a Government sponsored workshop on developing and implementing research projects in each of the districts in Botswana. It was at a reasonably high level and I guess as interesting as statistical analysis, quantitative and qualitative sampling can be. Each district brought its chief public health officer and HIV/AIDS officers, as well as one member of the community. Many brought their Peace Corps volunteers as well, since almost all of us had had exposure to research in one way or other. We were briefed on methodology and formed district groups to plan a research project which we would complete and present to a National seminar next May.

Our district came up with an interesting and potentially valuable study that will look at teenagers’ knowledge, outlook and willingness to be tested for HIV. Current BW law does not permit those under 18 to get an HIV test without parental consent. Virtually every healthcare worker thinks it is a bad law, but this is a fairly conservative country and the testing centers are bound by the law. Like virtually everywhere in the world, there are a number of sexually active teens under 18 who want to stay safe, yet do not want to have a dinner table conversation with their parents about their sexual activities. We hope with our survey we will generate data to go to the parliament to get the law changed. It would be a very worthwhile and productive outcome if things work out. Normally a week in a hotel for a Peace Corps Volunteer is a desirable treat, but in Africa, things never go according to expectations…..

T.P.

Question: What turns a fine honest upstanding man into a heartless thief without remorse inside of 10 seconds?

Answer: Why T.P of course

A little explanation might be in order………
I got my first, and hopefully last, bout of GI flu on Tuesday night at the conference. It almost surely was not related to food or water since Maureen had the same thing back in Ramotswa. Thankfully the purity and safety of the food and water is a non-issue here in Botswana. We have eaten and drank without any concern, wherever we have gone. So a virus it was, and from this episode I have learned a number of things:

--The GI flu here is virtually identical to the GI flu in the States. This was not a particularly comfortable insight. 'Nuff said.

--As might be expected, during the next 48 hours, I got on a first-name, up close and personal relationship with toilet paper (or T.P. as it is known both in English and Setswana)

--I had not spent much time pondering the issue, but I have now decided that T.P. here in BW is made out of construction paper coated with a few granules of gravel.

--No doubt in an effort to sell more T.P., the manufacturer of T.P. is particularly diabolical. Each roll has the outside sheets attached to the rest of the roll with a variation of super glue which penetrates down at least 15 more layers. This categorically precludes the possibility of opening the roll without digging down into the roll at least a half an inch in an attempt to rip off the first few sheets. After tugging, wrestling and ripping, the outside paper you obtain is a useless mass of shreds which are absolutely unusable for the intended purpose and is only suitable for mattress packing.

--Now, somewhat exhausted, you are left with approximately 2/3 of a roll, which you place back on the cylinder in the holder, but a new question emerges. What good are “perforations” in a T.P. roll if there is a zero probability that the paper will tear along the “perforations.” In fact the paper is unlikely to tear at all without the use of two hands. The usual one-handed T.P. snatch and rip which is often useful in the States is quite unproductive. Even in those rare instances when you are able to extract a mis-shapen shard of paper one-handed, the cylinder continues to unroll at lightning speed resulting in a massive pile of unrolled paper on the floor.

To solve this problem, one must therefore use two hands to get a usable piece of T.P. In Botswana however, the dispenser is never positioned in such a way that you can reach it with two hands without standing up or staying seated and executing a half-gainer combined with a full twist.


What does all this have to do with theft? Well, when you are at a conference at a nice lodge, there is only one thing worse than visiting the john every 60-90” ----this is urgently arriving at the john and realizing that there is not a single roll of T.P. in any stall. (This is a common, almost universal occurrence in BW)
-- Upon arrival in the bathroom, panic quickly sets in as you try to calculate the distance to the nearest alternate bathroom. Instinctively you begin to scurry out the door, but you are halted as you realize that this requires an extensive journey across open ground circumnavigating the swimming pool. The final decisive factor that stops you in your tracks is the knowledge that this second bathroom also may be totally out of T.P.
Logic, urgency and a desire to let the future take care of itself holds sway and you decide that a bird in the hand is worth public humiliation in the bush. You hustle back into the stall with urgent releas….er…. relief.

--With some time on your hands, you can now more slowly evaluate the consequences of your decision. You cautiously leave the confines of the stall and explore the options of T.P. substitutes. I don’t know exactly how this goes for women, but for men, this involves using your left hand to raise your shirt tail above your waist and using your right to tightly grasp your underwear, belt and trouser waistband in a manner that keeps them away from your posterior midsection, while keeping them from falling to the floor. You then assume a modified duck posture and waddle around the bathroom to carefully assess what assets you have at your disposal while feeling a distinct rearward cool draft. Pickings are slim. There are no towels, paper towels nor in fact is there anything that is not bolted to the walls. During this phase you are, of course simultaneously hopeful and terrified that someone will walk in. Hopeful because they could be a lifeline to go for T.P., but terrified as to how you will explain to them in broken Setswana why you look like you are walking around as an entrant in some kinky, half naked three-legged race.

Cultural creativity sets in and you recall bidets. You have never actually used one while in France, but you know that there is a whole segment of the world’s population that never uses T.P. at all, but simply wash themselves clean. This holds promise until you waddle over to the sink and begin to calculate just how high you will have to jump blindly backwards in a modified Fosbury Flop to achieve a somewhat soft landing on your rump directly in the sink with no margin for error. This would also risk sudden detection by a Motswana man walking in on you and you trying to explain your pose as “The Thinker” sitting backwards in the washroom sink with water running down your backside. Drying would also create a severe challenge since it would require an ankle-grabbing jack knife posture under the electric hand drier with your butt in the air high enough to trigger the motion activated blower. This almost certainly means jumping repeatedly with the hope that you can stay airborne long enough to trigger the ON switch. The whole bidet idea gets abandoned since you simply cannot come up with even a semblance of a rational reason to explain to a non-English speaking intruder why the crazy white guy is repeatedly trying to hop into the air to reach the air blower with his butt.

--Rationality is gradually turning into desperation as you begin to waddle out of the men’s room and call for help in the ladies room. No such luck as everyone is in the lunch line for food. You briefly consider opening the one remaining door to the outside world until you realize that it opens directly onto the end of the buffet line where all your esteemed colleagues are filing past with full plates of food in hand.

--I will not get into the grizzly details of the end of this saga, but you resolve that it will never happen again, and before lunch is finished, you go on a hunt to discover which bathroom might have T.P.

--Your first two attempts come up empty, but at last you strike it rich. There is a hidden away, little used bathroom where a stall has one precious roll of the blessed stuff. You feel as if you have won the Mega-Bucks, hit the Comstock Lode, found the Treasure of Sierra Madre and stumbled onto the Holy Grail. Now without even a wisp of compunction, you grab the roll and surreptitiously put it into your pocket for personal, portable fail-safe protection, without which you will not go anywhere for the next day or two.

--No this is not my personal T.P. Yes this is T.P. that the Lodge has put there for everyone to use and it is technically stealing, but do you care? Nnaaahhh! As you exit, do you spend any time contemplating the fact that you have absconded with the only salvation of the next poor bloke who follows you? Nnaaahhh. It only takes a few seconds of “finders, keepers” to rationalize this dastardly theft. Besides doesn’t Adversity Build Character? This next guy coming down the hall looks like he needs more character anyway.

--Not wanting to be the total ugly American, you do tell him that there is no T.P. in this bathroom, and that you will inform the Lodge staff about the problem. The man suddenly looks ashen and quickly hurries off in the other direction. This is because he knows that the request will be acted upon in “Botswana Time” which means there should be a new roll replaced a week from next Thursday.
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--So I am now a heartless felon. I no longer care about anyone’s welfare but my own. My conscience has been silenced and I have begun the inevitable slide down the slippery slope into further crime and debauchery. What’s next? Hotel room towels? Pictures off the wall? Multiple copies of Gideon’s Bible? I fear I am doomed to a progressive descent into depravity. Although I believe that I will have enough self control to avoid committing buggery with a hippopotamus, you will undoubtedly soon catch sight of my mug shot on BW Wanted posters for bank stick-ups, insurance fraud and car-jackings.

Kgosi