The Khronicle Adapts to Changing Times

       To date, the Chronicle has been able to resist the temptation to increase circulation by publishing lewd photographs and risqué articles on sex or drug-fuelled orgies. Unlike the Enquirer and the London tabloids, the Khronicle has only published first rate journalism and high quality....um......news. That being said, all things must change. Our circulation is down -- one of our two subscribers is threatening to cancel and begin subscribing to the KwaZulu Natal Kourrier-- a real sensationalistic rag if Kgosi has ever seen one. They even publish pictures of animals without any clothes on, which we would never intentionally do.  (On advice of counsel however. Kgosi will not comment on the lawsuit filed by the Palin family.  It is truly unfortunate that the April 27, 2010 edition showed Sarah’s captioned picture which was erroneously replaced with the image of a male warthog.) 

     Therefore threatened with the distinct possibility of decreased revenue, we present 

our carefully craftedand tastefully designed "Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll Issue."

The Editor Speaks

 Kgosi’s desk has been filled with scads of letters about our last publication in which Kgosi openly admitted a brief “relationship” with an orangutan.     Alright already, there were only two letters, but he made 134 copies of each one, so his desk is filled, and according to Wikipedia, 134 constitute a “scad.” The first letter may not be totally relevant since it was dated 1957 and the return address was:

J. Fred Muggs

30 Rockefeller Plaza

New York New York

      For those of you of a certain vintage -- which means any of you who are 

older than dirt--J. Fred Muggs was the chimpanzee on the Dave Garroway “Today” show from 1953-1957.  Fred was fired after it was found that he had a higher audience approval rating than Dave.  Fred has been long since deceased, so it appears that this was a dead letter mis-delivery. Out of reverence for those who have passed on, the letter was not opened.  Plainly visible on the back however, was the scrawled message—“Dave, you will always be the love of my life, Your loving Freddie—Poo.”  It is interesting to note the timing of this Muggs correspondence, just two weeks after the publication by the Terre Haute, Indiana Gazette Telegraph’s front page exclusive:

“Under a grant from MENSA, researchers at Valparaiso University recently received permission from New York authorities to reveal the long sought IQ test results on J. Fred Muggs, the lovable chimp on the Today show.  Results of the monkey’s intelligence testing reveal that his score was significantly higher than the combined IQ scores of                            Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.”

Mr Limbaugh has had no comment on the story since he has apparently again entered drug rehab. 

The second letter is somewhat more relevant and arrived yesterday. The return address was:

D. Chainlink

Cardiac Intensive Care Unit

Little Sisters of the Incredibly Wealthy Hospital

Location -- Classified for Reasons of National Defense.

The letter reads:

"Dear Cozy, Crappy, Condi or whatever you call yourself:

       You are a tree hugging, African sympathizing, animal crusading, slant-eyed, Commie Pinko, no good excuse for a publisher.  I read the latest issue of the Khronicle and I am totally disgusted. The fact that you would admit to even knowing an orangutan breaks all bounds of compassionate conservatism.  As soon as I receive my heart transplant and I can find a partner who is willing to go hunting with me, I am heading to Africa on safari to shoot those crummy primates. We have confidential intelligence that the baboons are building up a uranium stockpile and the Chinks...I mean chimps... have Weapons of Mass of Destruction.  I just found out that the damn gorillas are using poison gas to kill our brave men and women overseas—matter of fact, I am just starting to read a book all about that stuff—”Gorillas in the Mist.”            Anyway, if the hunting safari doesn’t do the job, George and me will just nuke the whole continent.

      I am enclosing the results of an highly acclaimed scientific survey from a renown journal in the UK, England, or whatever else they call that place over there.  It serves to backup my thinking about you animal lovers.  A survey from the Limey’s is  believable since they were the only ones who blindly obey........er...... were loyal enough to be our partners in “The Great War” to liberate the Oil reserv...............Iraqi People.  So read it and weep.

Proud to be a gun carrying Patriot

D. Chainlink

Yale class of ’63 (at least that’s when I would have graduated if I hadn’t flunked out and began drilling in Wyoming)

Kgosi feels obligated to respond to this letter and defend the honor of his beloved Bobo the orangutan.

Dear Mr. Chainlink:

                First and foremost, you have obviously accepted the premise, instigated by Interpol, that my relationship with Bobo was more than purely platonic.  Bobo and I have a close, chaste bond that will never be defiled.

The research which you enclose is a study done by the “renowned” journal Lifestyle News and funded by BioRepair toothpaste dated January 26, 2011 in which a poll of 1045 English adults stated that their biggest concern after having sex with a new partner is that they would wake up and smell their partner's bad breath.  Other common fears were "awkward silences, being stood up on a date or that your partner needed deodorant.”   As an aside, Kgosi feels that if you fall over on the date, you deserve everything you get).

Louise Fair, a representative of BioRepair today was quoted as saying “It was surprising just how fearful Brits are of having morning breath in front of a new partner, especially as this came in as more embarrassing than being naked in front of a new partner.”  (Kgosi--It also serves as a not-so-subtle reminder to bring a tube of BioRepair whenever you stay overnight.)

     Beyond having totally misconstrued Kgosi’s relationship with Bobo, he must also educate you about dealing with primates in general--

Number one--There is no fear at all in being naked in front of a primate since they are always nude.

Number two--Morning breath is not a consideration given that they smell like bananas from morning til night.

Number three--Lack of deodorant is not a problem since Avon introduced the body wash fragrance " Eau de Tree.”

Number four--Bobo has never fallen over on a date, and unlike some other humans, she has never shot one of her hunting partners.  I do wish however that I was able to cure her of the habit of repetitively picking at my underarms.

In closing, I wish you well in your quest for a new heart Mr Chainlink.  I strongly suggest that you also discuss with your surgeon the possibility of a total radical personality transplant.  I understand that medical science is doing remarkable things these days.  You could receive considerable improvement from an infusion of even small bits of tissue taken from great gun- toting, freedom-loving African patriots like  Muammar Gaddafi and Idi Amin.

 Research Gone Awry

     Proceedings in the American Academy of Science this month report a study done by Cornell University researcher Sean Myles and his co-workers who investigated the crossbreeding habits of grapes. In the article published on January 24, 2011, he trumpets that "Lack of Sex among Grapes tangle the Family Vine.” Dr. Myles developed a gene chip that tests the genetic variation among grapes and much to his surprise found that, “75% of all grapes varieties were related as close as parent to child and brother to sister. Previously we've thought there were several families of grapes but now we have found that all the families are interconnected and there is one large family.”

Kgosi’s Komment-- Kgosi thinks the outcome of this study showing that all the families were closely interconnected might have been totally different if Dr. Myles had not gathered all his grape samples from the backwaters of Kentucky and the hills of Tennessee.

     Since he was once affiliated with this esteemed institution, Kgosi also cannot decide if it is most appropriate to be totally outraged that Dr. Myles received funding to study the sexual peccadilloes of Cabernet Sauvignon, or whether Kgosi should resubmit his previously rejected doctoral thesis at Cornell-- "An In-depth Analysis of the Mating Habits of Socially Awkward Rutabagas.”

DON'T MAKE AN ASH OF YOURSELF

     Sheriff’s deputies in Miami Florida report that burglars snorted the remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief they had stolen illegal drugs.  The ashes were stolen in two urns from a woman’s home in Silver Springs Shores on December 15^th.  When 5 teens were arrested in connection with a different burglary in a nearby home, it was learned by authorities that the suspects snorted  the ash thinking it was cocaine, when in fact it was the charred remains of the woman’s father and two Great Danes.  Sheriff's spokesman Judge Cochran said, “Once they realized their error, the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers.”

Kgosi’s Komment—Although the Botswana constitution is silent on the issue of making a chaw out of bat guano or Great Dane meat, this heinous Florida error would never happen here since there are very stiff penalties for eating, chewing, smoking or snorting anything that is left of Mom, Dad, Grannie or Gramps.  

Kgosi

Images of Community Service

As promised, here are some pictures of last month's Community Service project--building a sustainable garden for a needy family to use as food and sell for support.


Like all activities in Botswana, it is started with a prayer

A lot of sun and not much shade

OK these furrows are now EXACTLY 27 centimeters apart

The irrigation system

Kgosi resting

Erecting the shade cover

Next Friday and monthly thereafter, there will be another project, but we don't know the nature of it until that day

Reporting the New Year

     As in all of Botswana, everyone goes home and stops working from mid-December until mid- January. It is really quite amazing, as offices are closed or work with skeleton staffs.  A lot of the government employees take extended leave time, as much as five or six weeks if they have accumulated it. We at the Khronicle wanted to be culturally sensitive so we stopped publishing for a while.

     Okay........ okay.......... for purposes of transparency and full disclosure, the paper did not come out because Kgosi was just recently released from a Swedish prison where he had been feloniously incarcerated on a trumped up charge of having "carnal knowledge" of two underage primates. As Kgosi repeatedly told the Interpol authorities, he never knew the first orangutan and in the second case, the bar was dark and with a face like that, who was to know she was only 17? 

      Kgosi is quite aware that this whole charade is politically motivated after the Khronicle released a cable suggesting that one of the Palins was moving to Arizona to escape a failed relationship with a Kodiak bear. Furthermore, the cable suggested that the bear was a Democratic committee chairman.

     Happily however, the Khronicle is back online and is pleased to present its New Year's edition:

The Cruellest Cut of All

From the Associated Press, police in Lincoln, Nebraska say a woman tried to slice a tattoo of her name off her boyfriend's neck. Captain Anthony Butler told the Lincoln Journal Star that the 19-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend got into a dispute around 6:40 PM on Friday and that's when she tried to cut off the tattoo. Butler said the boyfriend suffered only minor injuries.

Kgosi’s Komment-- Fortunately, no one has ever attacked Kgosi in this way. However while in the Swedish prison cell after drinking with the orangutan, Kgosi did try diligently to use his toothbrush to scratch off the tattoo he had received which said "Kgosi loves Bobo”

Don't Inhale, Don't Tell

In Colorado Springs Colorado, 23-year-old Pfc. Darius Thomas, 22-year-old Pvt. Corey Young and 22-year-old Pfc. Remone Hollins were arrested, accused of breaking into a Colorado medical marijuana dispensary and then accidentally locking themselves inside. They told the police that they plan to "destroy the marijuana -- not smoke or sell it." Officers say they were on an unrelated call at a nearby business about 2 AM when they heard someone banging on the glass inside the dispensary. Although it is not clear if any marijuana was used while the three were inside the dispensary, the Colorado Springs Gazette reports a police affidavit which says that two of the three Fort Carson soldiers told officers they were trying to steal the marijuana so they “could get rid of it.”

Kgosi’s Komment—Yeah Rrriiight.

Kgosi believed their alibi until he found out that when checking into the slammer, all three soldiers independently said they needed a special diet consisting solely of brownies, Twinkies and Rocky Road ice cream

Do I really need to know this?

A research report in the British Journal of Cancer section on "New Medical Findings" details a new study showing that men whose index finger was longer than the fourth finger of the right hand were less likely to develop prostate cancer. Finger length is determined before birth and believed to be the result of hormonal influences.  Too much testosterone apparently shortens your index finger and appears to raise the risk of prostate cancer.

Kgosi’s Komments-- First off, who thinks up these ridiculous studies? And even if someone comes up with the idea of measuring the length of your fingers, what organization gives you a gazillion dollars to perform the study with a ruler and your medical files?

In any case, Kgosi believes that there is a totally different explanation for the results of this study that has nothing to do with testosterone.   Namely, the participants studied included an unusual number of proctologists. As might be expected, proctologists have some of the longest index fingers in health care and are the only ones capable of giving self-administered rectal exams.  Now if you can check the size and shape of your prostate whenever the mood strikes you, of course you are going to pick up abnormalities earlier and improve your prognosis.  Kgosi’s motto for the 21^st century—        Go Digit-al!

Ya’ think?

The Associated Press reports the story of a 28-year-old Janesville Minnesota man who thought he was doing a good deed when he gave a 70-year-old neighbor a ride to a Minnesota bank. But police say the woman robbed the bank and the man was her unsuspecting getaway driver.  The man told the Free Press of Mankato that he thought the woman, who rents an apartment from his mother, was going to the bank to withdraw cash.  Instead employees of the Elysian State Bank reported Wednesday that an "elderly woman" told the teller she had gun, demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount of cash. Police stopped the car and took both persons into custody before determining the woman had acted alone. The Star Tribune also reported the woman had a hammer but no gun.   She's in jail pending charges

Kgosi’s Komment-- This man, who remains nameless in this story-- perhaps for good reason because he is a dolt-- should probably have suspected that something was up. How often does your 70-year-old neighbor show up for a ride wearing a ski mask and bulletproof vest? The real tipoff however should've been when the woman handed him a note which on one side said "Take me to the Elysian State Bank" and on the other it said "Give me all your money. I have a hammer--no a gun.”

Thanks Mom

          Police in Athens Georgia were seeking a man accused of breaking into elementary school. The officers responded to an alarm and arrived in time to see a man running through the cafeteria and out the back door. They failed to catch the man but he dropped his cell phone as he ran. According to the report, officers picked up the phone, searched the contact list and then called a number marked "Ma."  They say a woman who answered gave the police her son's name.

Kgosi’s Komment-- This must be becoming a common police technique as the Janesville police apprehended the Minnesota Grandma bandit mentioned above in the same fashion. She apparently left her cell phone in the car on the way home. When the authorities searched the contact list, they did not have any luck with the first listing which was AARP. The second number was to the Alzheimer's support group. The person on the other end wasn't sure, but said "Maybe she’s the one who keeps calling up our number and saying, ‘Is that you Henry? "

They struck pay dirt however with the third number.  In the previous two weeks Grandma had made four urgent calls to the Urinary Incontinence Crisis Hotline. The worker said, "I'm sure it’s her. She's the geezer who keeps calling and saying ‘My pants are soaking wet. What are you bozos going to do about it?”

After being placed in her cell, Grandma now has a lawsuit pending against the Janesville police for failing to provide all inmates with Maximum Strength Depends.

Kgosi