The Kalahari Khronicle
Vol. 1 # 5 special edition
The Khronicle staff is always scouring the African continent and the world for real life stories of breaking interest. Sometimes though, the most important stories happen right in your own backyard. The following newsflash is one of those times when we stopped the presses and issued a special Saturday edition. Be thankful that you have electronic communication, since our print edition may take a while (see below).
DAC Office Rocked by Construction Accident
Friday, January 29, 2010
The working community in the Rural Administration Center (RAC) was shocked when the caravan housing the District AIDS Coordinator's (DAC) office was struck by an errant road grader, knocking it off its moorings and leaving it standing at a 20° angle. The three occupants of the building, Semakaleng Ooke (the District AIDS Coordinator), Nthami Chilisa, (the World Bank District Representative), and Kgosi Doran, (the American Peace Corps volunteer) were all in a meeting or in the toilet (not together), and were uninjured. Both Semakaleng and Nthami had “No comment”. Doran was quoted as saying, "Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Sometimes the crap hits the fan. Sometimes diarrhea doesn’t ruin your butt, it saves it."
The road grader was attempting to spread piles of dirt and rocks into the parking lot when it apparently misjudged the distance to the caravan, clipped the corner of the vehicle, moved and dislodged it. Electronic equipment and furniture were strewn about inside. Electrical connections were disengaged and office wiring was found in a total mass of knots. Kgosi is quoted as saying however "That's the way those wires always are. They're breeding."
Although this accident occurred at two in the afternoon, rumors around the RAC are quickly making parallels to Tiger Woods running his car into a tree at 2 AM. There is however no evidence that anyone broke open the grader window with a golf club to pull the driver out.
Many have also suggested without any concrete proof, that perhaps the driver, like the ferry boat captain in Manhattan, was intoxicated at the time of the accident. Eerily similar, the driver of the grader was nowhere to be found at the scene of the accident. Ramotswa police are investigating.
So far there is no evidence to suggest direct sabotage or terrorism, although Osama bin Laden has issued a new video statement blasting any country that uses Western-style road equipment. Individuals who have heard the report say bin Laden maintains that the only acceptable way to move dirt is with a donkey and burlap bags.
News crews on the scene, snapped the following pictures, which no doubt will be used during the investigation.
Working in a chair with wheels is interesting at a 20 degree angle
The DAC office used to be at the height of the other caravan to the left
Kgosi’s Komments-- This kind of close call, can often make anyone so anxious that they begin to have loose stools. In Kgosi's case, such worsening of his bowel problems were totally unnecessary.
Kgosi has several further editorial comments:
1-- This whole project seems poorly conceived from the beginning. The road through the parking lot was working fine without significant potholes. Why then is it necessary to spread 15 piles of big rocks and dirt over the exact area that is already a smooth track, leaving new potholes and more big rocks. Tarring over the whole parking lot would simply make too much sense and is apparently not part of the plan.
2-- If someone is going to do this kind of a job in a small parking lot, why use a road grader the size of a 747 ? Even Osama seemed to have a better idea.
3-- This accident, also has dealt a significant blow to the Khronicle. Since we have no true "office" and work out in the open, we stored our printing press under the DAC office. Needless to say it is now ready for the scrap heap. Since we could not mass-produce this special edition, we followed the Botswana procedure of getting five quotations to provide for another method of transcription. On our limited budget, we had to take the lowest bidder, which meant giving the contract to a group of Tibetan monks, who will hand write this special edition on goat skins. Given that it is winter in Tibet, we expect this stop-the-presses-emergency-edition to be ready to hit the Ramotswa streets in July.
4-- No doubt, repair of the DAC office will be put on the "top priority, fast track." Given the time standards in Botswana, we expect to be back using the office late in October 2011.
As a final portion of this story, Kgosi has made financial arrangements to obtain a new printing press by taking out a loan with his Nigerian banker, Abu Khalid Khneecap. Hasty negotiations were completed with the following terms:
Kgosi gets $57.93 to buy a used printing press at a local bazaar
Abu receives interest at a rate of 20% per week and permanent custody of my next born child. I must confide to our readers that for a banker, Abu is not the sharpest camel in the tent. We don't even plan on ever having another child!
Kgosi
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