After several months of poor subscription revenues, the Khronicle was forced to file Chapter 11.
After retaining the services of a Big Seven accounting firm, Figures Witno Bases Inc. we were told that our assets were approximately 30 P (47 cents) and our obligations were 239 Pula $34.50. Needless to say, everyday operations could not continue without some serious changes. After a failed attempt to merge with Google, our spirits were down. (I believe the exact quote from the Google representative was "Who the hell are you calling collect from Africa?").
We then tried for a bailout from several agencies including the World Bank, the European Union, and the US Government. The World Bank took the call and told us to fill out the 143 page form in triplicate but said that the likelihood of a loan was very slim, since the price of the phone call was more than the total amount of the loan. The EU just had an answering machine that said “We're too busy. Call back after we finish bailing out Greece, Ireland, and Portugal." When I finally got through to a live flunky in the US government he said "Why should we want to bail you out? You are the worst-run newspaper and all of Southern Africa. We only work with AAA-rated, top flight companies that have excellent business practices such as Bear Stearns, AIG and Countrywide Financial.”
Thus forced into bankrupty, we pawned our printing press, but were able to retrieve it thanks to a $10 gift from Robert Mugabe from Zimbabwe. Attached to the cash was a note which said, "Never let it be said that the Zimbabwe government does not support shady, poorly managed institutions like the Khronicle" and signed "Your friend in the Zimbabwean government, Bob.”
Kgosi is now supporting Mugabe in his campaign to be voted “African Crooked Dictator of the Year” for the 14th year in a row.
Baseball Post Mortem
Now that the World Series is past, it can be revealed that Brian Roberts who plays for the Baltimore Orioles is suffering from concussion-like symptoms, which by all reports are self-induced. Roberts kept hitting himself in the head with his baseball bat. "I don't know how to be 100% sure what caused the headaches, but it was the last Monday in September. In frustration in the ninth inning, I whacked myself on the head with my bat. I had my helmet on. It’s something I've done a million times, but I still can't tell you for sure if that was it. It's the only thing I can point to, because that night and the next morning I just didn't feel good.”
Kgosi’s Komment--Kgosi would have thought that Monsieur Roberts would have stopped this practice at least by the 900,000th time. Then again, after about 50 cracks to the cranium, he started to forget that he had done it before. And besides, it feels so good when you stop.
Be careful who your Friends are
The Associated Press reported on a Cleveland, Ohio man who was excluded from jury duty after mentioning that he was a childhood friend of cannibalistic serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. Mr. John Backderf was among prospective jurors for a murder trial, when he was asked if he knew anyone who was ever convicted of a crime. After he responded "I had a close friend in high school who killed 17 people," the Cleveland Plain Dealer said that this response caused the judge to freeze and lawyers to drop their pens. Backderf further mentioned that he was about to publish a new novel "My Friend Dahmer" and was then dismissed from the jury list.
Kgosi’s Komment-- It is interesting that this story appeared just recently, since Kgosi tried a similar tactic several weeks ago when surprisingly called for jury service in Botswana. He suggested that he too, was a friend of Jeffrey Dahmer. However the judge had never heard of "Meester Dahma,” and was not impressed that he had been a multiple murderer. Since the Khronicle deadline was rapidly approaching, Kgosi became desperate to escape the jury panel and blurted out that he had gone to the same school with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
Kgosi is now scheduled as a permanent juror for every trial in Ramotswa until 2012.
Denver does it again
During this last election, Denver voters were asked to weigh in on Initiative 300 which required that the City and County of Denver to set up an extra terrestrial affairs commission to "ensure the health, safety and cultural awareness of Denver residents and visitors, when it comes to coming into contact with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles, and fund such commission through grants, gifts and donations." The primary opponents of this initiative are the Rocky Mountain Paranormal Research Society which stated on their website “the world is full of ghost hunters, but we are not trying to get ourselves affiliated with city government." They also noted that “Mr. Jeff Peckham (the primary sponsor of the bill) and his little green people are not representative of the people of Denver." Mr. Peckham, who made an appearance on the David Letterman Show, responded that "'little green people' is a racial slur."
Kgosi’s Komment-- The initiative failed, however the Khronicle is the first to report that on next year's Denver ballot, there will be a measure that seeks to end discrimination against all aliens. Flyzbk Diyrth, the primary sponsor of this new bill, says if some legislative action is not taken, Colorado risks an immigration crisis. He says, “Many of us little green people came here legally, work and pay our taxes. If we are banned, who is next? The legal cockroaches? Vote Yes on Proposition 7,342. Remember your next grandkid could be green”
Speaking of Colorado and Green…..
An Aurora Colorado woman has been arrested for allegedly trying to smuggle 551 pounds of marijuana into the United States under the floor board of her 2004 Ford Expedition. The Denver Post reports that Vanessa Fuller, age 22, was apprehended by agents of US Customs and Protection Agency. Spokesman Roger Maier said “This is a really big load in a private vehicle. Typically agents find from 50 to 100 pounds.”
After pulling into the monitoring station at approximately 3 PM on Sunday, Ms Fuller and the vehicle were directed to a secondary inspection area, where a drug-sniffing dog showed a positive signal from the underside of the vehicle. Ms Fuller now faces federal drug smuggling charges.
Kgosi’s Komment--The agents’ first clue was that the vehicle had tractor size tires. The bottom of the car doors was 8 feet off the ground and hanging down underneath was a 7’ X 7’ X 4‘ locked storage compartment with a sign on it that said “Keep out—especially Border Patrol.”
Secondly, after getting a whiff of the Fuller vehicle, Laser the drug sniffing dog, consumed an
80 pound bag of Dog Chow and an entire pan of Brownies.
Kgosi
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