As in all of Botswana, everyone goes home and stops working from mid-December until mid- January. It is really quite amazing, as offices are closed or work with skeleton staffs. A lot of the government employees take extended leave time, as much as five or six weeks if they have accumulated it. We at the Khronicle wanted to be culturally sensitive so we stopped publishing for a while.
Okay........ okay.......... for purposes of transparency and full disclosure, the paper did not come out because Kgosi was just recently released from a Swedish prison where he had been feloniously incarcerated on a trumped up charge of having "carnal knowledge" of two underage primates. As Kgosi repeatedly told the Interpol authorities, he never knew the first orangutan and in the second case, the bar was dark and with a face like that, who was to know she was only 17?
Kgosi is quite aware that this whole charade is politically motivated after the Khronicle released a cable suggesting that one of the Palins was moving to Arizona to escape a failed relationship with a Kodiak bear. Furthermore, the cable suggested that the bear was a Democratic committee chairman.
Happily however, the Khronicle is back online and is pleased to present its New Year's edition:
The Cruellest Cut of All
From the Associated Press, police in Lincoln, Nebraska say a woman tried to slice a tattoo of her name off her boyfriend's neck. Captain Anthony Butler told the Lincoln Journal Star that the 19-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend got into a dispute around 6:40 PM on Friday and that's when she tried to cut off the tattoo. Butler said the boyfriend suffered only minor injuries.
Kgosi’s Komment-- Fortunately, no one has ever attacked Kgosi in this way. However while in the Swedish prison cell after drinking with the orangutan, Kgosi did try diligently to use his toothbrush to scratch off the tattoo he had received which said "Kgosi loves Bobo”
Don't Inhale, Don't Tell
In Colorado Springs Colorado, 23-year-old Pfc. Darius Thomas, 22-year-old Pvt. Corey Young and 22-year-old Pfc. Remone Hollins were arrested, accused of breaking into a Colorado medical marijuana dispensary and then accidentally locking themselves inside. They told the police that they plan to "destroy the marijuana -- not smoke or sell it." Officers say they were on an unrelated call at a nearby business about 2 AM when they heard someone banging on the glass inside the dispensary. Although it is not clear if any marijuana was used while the three were inside the dispensary, the Colorado Springs Gazette reports a police affidavit which says that two of the three Fort Carson soldiers told officers they were trying to steal the marijuana so they “could get rid of it.”
Kgosi’s Komment—Yeah Rrriiight.
Kgosi believed their alibi until he found out that when checking into the slammer, all three soldiers independently said they needed a special diet consisting solely of brownies, Twinkies and Rocky Road ice cream
Do I really need to know this?
A research report in the British Journal of Cancer section on "New Medical Findings" details a new study showing that men whose index finger was longer than the fourth finger of the right hand were less likely to develop prostate cancer. Finger length is determined before birth and believed to be the result of hormonal influences. Too much testosterone apparently shortens your index finger and appears to raise the risk of prostate cancer.
Kgosi’s Komments-- First off, who thinks up these ridiculous studies? And even if someone comes up with the idea of measuring the length of your fingers, what organization gives you a gazillion dollars to perform the study with a ruler and your medical files?
In any case, Kgosi believes that there is a totally different explanation for the results of this study that has nothing to do with testosterone. Namely, the participants studied included an unusual number of proctologists. As might be expected, proctologists have some of the longest index fingers in health care and are the only ones capable of giving self-administered rectal exams. Now if you can check the size and shape of your prostate whenever the mood strikes you, of course you are going to pick up abnormalities earlier and improve your prognosis. Kgosi’s motto for the 21st century— Go Digit-al!
Ya’ think?
The Associated Press reports the story of a 28-year-old Janesville Minnesota man who thought he was doing a good deed when he gave a 70-year-old neighbor a ride to a Minnesota bank. But police say the woman robbed the bank and the man was her unsuspecting getaway driver. The man told the Free Press of Mankato that he thought the woman, who rents an apartment from his mother, was going to the bank to withdraw cash. Instead employees of the Elysian State Bank reported Wednesday that an "elderly woman" told the teller she had gun, demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount of cash. Police stopped the car and took both persons into custody before determining the woman had acted alone. The Star Tribune also reported the woman had a hammer but no gun. She's in jail pending charges
Kgosi’s Komment-- This man, who remains nameless in this story-- perhaps for good reason because he is a dolt-- should probably have suspected that something was up. How often does your 70-year-old neighbor show up for a ride wearing a ski mask and bulletproof vest? The real tipoff however should've been when the woman handed him a note which on one side said "Take me to the Elysian State Bank" and on the other it said "Give me all your money. I have a hammer--no a gun.”
Thanks Mom
Police in Athens Georgia were seeking a man accused of breaking into elementary school. The officers responded to an alarm and arrived in time to see a man running through the cafeteria and out the back door. They failed to catch the man but he dropped his cell phone as he ran. According to the report, officers picked up the phone, searched the contact list and then called a number marked "Ma." They say a woman who answered gave the police her son's name.
Kgosi’s Komment-- This must be becoming a common police technique as the Janesville police apprehended the Minnesota Grandma bandit mentioned above in the same fashion. She apparently left her cell phone in the car on the way home. When the authorities searched the contact list, they did not have any luck with the first listing which was AARP. The second number was to the Alzheimer's support group. The person on the other end wasn't sure, but said "Maybe she’s the one who keeps calling up our number and saying, ‘Is that you Henry? "
They struck pay dirt however with the third number. In the previous two weeks Grandma had made four urgent calls to the Urinary Incontinence Crisis Hotline. The worker said, "I'm sure it’s her. She's the geezer who keeps calling and saying ‘My pants are soaking wet. What are you bozos going to do about it?”
After being placed in her cell, Grandma now has a lawsuit pending against the Janesville police for failing to provide all inmates with Maximum Strength Depends.
Kgosi
