Despite heroic efforts by the owner/editor and many of its supporters, the Kalahari Khronicle will be forced to cease circulation. As has been widely quoted in the media and on the Internet, the Khronicle has been labelled by many sources as “The Worst Newspaper on the Continent.” Although as the editor, I dispute this libellous claim vigorously, the fiscal realities dictate that termination is inevitable.
I wish to personally thank all those supporters (both of you) who donated money to pay for our legal fees. Our chosen lawyer to defend ourselves against these charges, Char Ching Hi Feez said that the total amount contributed would pay for 17 more seconds of his professional time. He spent 14 seconds eating and sipping Oolong tea. Finally he spat out his clear and simple along with bits of Egg Foo Yung--“Kgosi dude, give it up.” So, since we have no printing press, no paper, no employees, and no hope we submit for your consideration our final edition.
The Real Deal
A Sanford Florida automobile dealership is trying to drum up business by offering an unusual perk for potential used truck buyers –an AK-47 assault rifle. Although they have to pass a background check, sales manager Nick Ginetta at National Trucks says business “has almost doubled.” He also states that if by chance a buyer is not a proponent of an AK-47, he may use the $400 gun shop voucher to buy other firearms.
Kgosi’s Komment—Only in America.
Kgosi now set for travel
The Associated Press in Denver reports that Jeff Buske has invented a new type of underwear that will get a person through airport screeners with one’s dignity intact. The male version is in the shape of a fig leaf and the one for women comes in the shape of clasped hands. He says his invention uses a powdered metal that protects people’s privacy when undergoing medical or security screenings. Buske, CEO of Rocky Flats Gear in Las Vegas, says the underwear inserts are thin and conform to body contours making it difficult to hide anything beneath them. A mix of tungsten and other minerals do not set off metal detectors.
Kgosi’s Komment—Given that his company is named Rocky Flats Gear, Mr Buske seems to have failed to warn buyers that one unfortunate side effect is that after wearing the inserts for more than two hours, your private parts glow in the dark.
Baseball – the Intelligent Sport
Brian Roberts of the Baltimore Orioles is suffering from concussion-like symptoms which aren’t really funny. It appears though, that Roberts may have given himself brain damage by hitting himself in the head with his bat. “I don’t know 100% for sure what caused the headaches, but on Monday night in total frustration, I whacked myself on the head with my bat in the ninth. I had my helmet on. It’s something I’ve done 1 million times but I still can’t tell you for sure if that was it. That’s the only thing I can point to, because that night and the next morning, I just didn’t feel good.”
Kogsi’s Komment—Mr Roberts obviously also suffered from memory loss as he did not remember that in the Baltimore rout of the Toronto Blue Jays, Roberts also hit himself in the head during the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th innings Kgosi has it on good authority that Mr Roberts has withdrawn his application to join MENSA.
More Poor Memory
The Press Association reports on Chinese surgeons who removed a rusty, 4 inch knife from the skull of a man who claimed it had been stuck in there for four years. Li Fuyan, aged 30, had been suffering severe headaches, breathing difficulties and bad breath, but never knew the cause of his discomfort. An official at Yuxi City People’s Hospital in Yunnan province said that Li told doctors he had been stabbed in the lower right jaw four years ago and the blade broke off inside his head without his even realizing it.
Kgosi’s Komment—Mr Fuyan swears repeatedly that he does not play baseball with Brian Roberts.
As to the symptom of bad breath, an exclusive interview with the Khronicle quotes Li as saying that he also swallowed a used plumber’s helper but did not realize that either.
At the risk of reports that the Khronicle will also be labelled as “The Crappiest Newspaper in Africa” we also report on the following three items:
Stinky Souvenirs
The Associated Press reports that the Prague Czechoslovakia zoo has started selling what look like ice cream containers but are actually full of elephant dung. This is the latest brainchild of zoo director Miroslav Bobek (whose surname literally means dung). It capitalizes on the latest fad among Czech gardeners who are buying the stuff to use as fertilizer. Zoo officials estimate they sell around 200 1- kg containers of dung every weekend at $3.90 each. Sales have been so brisk that they have decided to expand to selling on weekdays.
Kgosi’s Komment—First off, if my last name was Dung, I’d seriously consider a name change to something respectable such as Poooh or Crappe. Nonetheless, given that the elephant dung is packaged in ice cream containers, Kgosi is refraining indefinitely from buying any rum raisin sorbet at the zoo.
New Ashtray Design deemed inadequate
The Associated Press reports from Portland Oregon that a house fire that caused $30,000 in damage was apparently started by tenants who were using a hole in the floor as an ashtray. Portland Fire and Rescue spokesman Paul Corah says, in his words, “That’s not careless smoking, that’s stupid smoking.”
Kgosi’s Komment—One of the tenants also failed to report that after a visit to Czechoslovakia zoo, the hole was also serving as the reservoir for their souvenir purchase – a year’s supply of elephant dung.
Stool Daze
Kgosi was informed by the Peace Corps that as part of his departure physical examination, he needed to submit stool samples on three consecutive days. These were to be placed in small plastic containers the size of a spool of thread. This initially sounded like a simple task until reading the instructions. They stated that the person should stretch aluminium foil, plastic wrap, or a napkin over the toilet bowl to catch the sample. Kgosi dutifully tried the aluminium foil but it simply did not have the tensile strength to hold Kgosi’s depth charges. Next he tried the plastic wrap but found that to his dismay, it acted like a trampoline. After shouting “bombs away” from altitude, Kgosi was suddenly faced with the problematic challenge of either continuing to stay put and be clobbered from below on the rebound or quickly try to move out of the way and allow those scud missiles to fly everywhere uncontrollably. The end result was that no uncontaminated samples could be obtained in this manner.
Therefore, Kgosi resorted to the napkin method. He rapidly realized that it was not possible to stretch a napkin and get it over the toilet bowl. This led to placing a cocktail napkin on the toilet lid. Although this should have been easy, several factors intervened:
The instructions had clearly stated that those over 50 years of age needed to follow a restricted diet to prevent false positive results. Therefore it was not possible to eat red meat, poultry, fish, radishes, cauliflower, cucumbers, beets, or a variety of other foods in the three days prior to the sample. Kgosi decided to be on the safe side and ate a diet consisting of nothing but mounds of mozzarella, curdled cream, cheese whiz and candle wax. This resulted in stool samples somewhat resembling rabbit pellets. The problem with these hard round marbles was that they would roll off the napkin and inevitably find some crevice in the corner of the room.
Again with contaminated samples,
Kgosi changed direction and decided that a rock hard sample perhaps was not the best way to go--- so to speak. Therefore he followed a diet of rutabaga, rhubarb, chili and French fries. Although it was his expectation that this would result in a “normal” stool, this also failed as frank diarrhea ensued. Kgosi attempted to get the messy liquid into those small containers without success and did not think until it was too late to attempt to collect the sample in a large trash barrel.
Kgosi was running out of time to collect the sample and decided that a drastic dietary maneuver would be necessary. He began gobbling enormous quantities bran flakes, oversized carrot bran muffins, large homemade bran- filled brownies, whey, oatmeal, industrial strength Metamucil, washing it down with liberal quantities of Celestial Seasonings “Morning Thunder” tea.
Nothing happened for the first two days. Desperate and beginning to panic, Kgosi tripled his intake of the dietary regimen and added plates of partially cooked cabbage and baked beans. On the fifth day an ominous rumbling could be heard throughout the neighborhood. Dark clouds formed, the winds kicked up and witnesses described it like “the sound of a freight train.” The “end result” was an explosive expulsion that can be best described as an “Anaconda”—the length of a garden hose and the diameter of a rolling pin. Survivor’s claim to have heard Kgosi’s voice above the maelstrom yelling, “Thar she blows!” “Look Ma, no hands!” and “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” The explosion was heard as far away as South Africa. The earth shook, the heavens parted and a 10 foot tsunami formed in the neighbor’s bathtub. Trees were levelled; buildings toppled and electric power was disrupted in all of Ramotswa.
Although overcome with fumes, unconscious and in Intensive Care for a week, Kgosi is quoted on waking as saying, “What the hell was that?” When informed of the calamity and his near-death experience, he further stated, “Man, this was worse than when I hit myself in the head with the baseball bat.” He kept asking if his wife Gilda survived. He was repeatedly reassured that she did, but that her name was Kopo.
Back hoes, road graders and oversized dump trucks were brought in to clean up the rubble. After an emergency call to the White House, President Obama, dressed in a NASA space suit complete with air filtration system, toured the area by helicopter. On behalf of America, he has declared Ramotswa a Federal Disaster area and all air traffic has been diverted from overhead as a “No Fly Zone.” Kgosi’s apartment, of course, is a total loss. He and Kopo will be spending their last two weeks in Botswana living in one of those little FEMA trailers.
Writing from an undisclosed, underground bunker location outside the blast crater,
Your friend and devoted Editor
Kgosi
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